Twenty

Twenty. 2-0. No one thinks of it as a big number. It's not an important number—at least not by American teenage standards. Twenty-one is the big one. You get to drink legally. No more smuggling kegs into frat parties or across state borders. No more worrying about cops patrolling the next door neighbor's house. No more asking people to lie to keep your ass out of jail. It's all legal.

So I get why twenty-one is a big deal. (I'm not much of a drinker, and even if I was, I've been to London, so it all seems counter-intuitive to me anyway) but I get it.

Twenty, though.

I never thought twenty would be a big age. I never thought of it being different than any of the other birthdays, let alone being superior in any way. But it's both.

I keep thinking about the F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode, "The One Where They All Turn Thirty" with the universal moping and curses at God for making them age into the devil year. Rachel doesn't want to do anything, Monica gets drunk, and poor Joey can't get over that thirty is an actual age he would eventually hit.

Thirties I get. That's over a quarter of the expected average lifespan. It's the year where all hope of the clock reversing or freezing to keep you a kid has disappeared and you're prepared for a mid-life crisis.

Twenty wasn't supposed to be this big of a deal.

But here I sit at 11:59pm, and I can't believe I'm about to be two decades old. I am decades old. How much older does that make me sound?

And there it is: Midnight on May 14th. I'm twenty.

I knew it was going to happen. From the moment my baby brother turned eighteen back in March, I knew it was inevitable. You can still cling to reasonable doubt until your baby siblings turn older. Then all hope is lost.

And the real sad part about all of it is the realization that I have done nothing with my life.

I'll be a junior in college in the Fall and I'm still pussy-footing my way around what I want and should do with my life. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have no ground to stand on when my parents gripe at me not being an adult, because I can't avoid it now. I am two decades old and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm so old even Peter Pan has given up on me. My prayers to get dragged off to Neverland will never be fulfilled. My name has dropped from his list and I am screwed.

What do I want? To act. To teach. To live in London.

And guess what? I'm not doing any of that.

Do I get notified of auditions? Yes. Have I gone to a single one of those? Nope, I'm too chicken.

Am I an Education Major in school? Yes, I am. For the British school system? Nope.

Do I have means to get to London? Yep. Am I living in London? Of fucking course not.

I can make excuses for these as much as I want, but at the end of the day, it's because I just haven't done it yet. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I'm not motivated to get in there and take what I want from the world, but I'm not. I've never been that girl. And I can sit here and promise myself I'll change that today, but I've made that promise and broken it so many times that I have absolutely no faith in myself.

Since school is out, I've been marathoning Gilmore Girls and F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Pretty Little Liars and all those shows that has a strong female in different situations who will go out and get what she wants, hoping that maybe, one day, some of that power will rub off on me.

But, of course, all watching those make me feel is depressed and pathetic beyond all belief.

And, I don't know, maybe that's why I want to go back to London so bad. Even when things were bad there, they seemed lighter. Maybe the fact that I was in a huge city helped to keep things in perspective instead of letting them run rampant over my life. I could handle things over there.

I found my way to and from a hospital in a completely different town in the middle of the night sick as a dog. Things like that make you realize how strong you are. I don't get that kind of thing here. I get a million questions and policies and college politics to deal with while trying to figure out how to transfer schools across an entire ocean. I get to hear everyone's opinion over what I'm doing with my life, whether I asked them for it or not. I get my brother looking at all of my favorite actors of all time—people I look up to—and have him tear them and the shows apart, saying they are terrible actors and they have no talent and they shouldn't be on TV, and all I can see is, "Well, if they can't make it, then why the hell should I even try?"

I know I shouldn't let it bother me. It's one opinion about shows with huge fandoms and that have been running forever, but the fat that it's from my own brother and he doesn't even realize what his words could mean to me—and the truth is, knowing Kyle, he probably wouldn't care—and I can't help but think like that.

To be able to pull off a terrifying immortal without any of the special effects added later
is insanely difficult. Then on top of that, this is Dylan's second personality for "Teen Wolf".
(And I've never seen a moment of the show.)

Just look at the wheels turning.

You don't even have to know anything about that mark on his arm. You can tell he's in pain.

Don't even try to tell me you can't see it all.

It takes a special kind of actor to be able to pull off a villain, in particularly a crazy villain,
but to do it so well the audience can see everything in a single gif of him clapping,
that's the signature of an incredible actor. (R.I.P. Heath Ledger.)

This gif really doesn't give Nina Dobrev her justice, but if you want to watch the scene,
you'll see exactly what I mean. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOqg_1U7ZAI)

And these two: We can see all we need to in their expressions.

No words necessary.



I can't imagine being able to portray
that kind of pain.

I don't know who this kid is or what's going on, but that's my point.
You can see everything you need to know in his eyes.

And now I'm twenty, and I have to know what I want to do. I have to figure out how to get there and when I get there, I have to be able to stay there. (And I have convinced myself that I will never be on the same page as these star.)
I don't like being twenty.

                              — KGratiaM