Yes, "Fifty Shades of Grey" is Abusive

THIS IS A POST ABOUT THE “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY” MOVIE. IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS TOPIC AND IT'S EXPLICIT HONESTY, DO NOT READ.

Ye have been warned…

BLOGGER'S NOTE: This is a response to the review done by thegirlwhowaitedfordean. If you wish to read that first, go for it. (Link is at the bottom of the post.)

Before I start, let me make something clear: Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I am by no means aiming to change anyone's; I'm just setting out my own views on the subject. And also a disclaimer: As a non-sexually active nineteen-year-old girl, I can only speak through what I've been taught, heard from friends, seen in films, and read in books.

Going into this movie without a true understanding of what BDSM is or what the storyline encompasses is a set up for a shock. I knew what it was about—having done formal research and in the process of reading the book—and a couple things still caught me off-guard. Disregarding the sex for a moment, yes. This is an abusive relationship. Yes, it is harmful, and no, it is not considered "right".

All that said, I have to argue that to some extent, all relationships are manipulative and controlling. Who can say they've never said anything to make another do something—even if it's just to make a partner feel guilty and apologize? Or as a kid: to threaten to tell a grown-up to get someone else to give a toy back? Everyone's done that at some point. I've done that. Multiple times. I don't necessarily like that I've done so afterwards, but it's happened all the same.

I think that's just human nature. We are self-sufficient. How we get there is different, and to different degrees, but we all put ourselves first. We ask things of another to satisfy ourselves. Sometimes we manipulate others into touching us a certain way by moving our bodies accordingly. We read off each other's body language and strive to please, to understand.

Now, do me a favor and reread that last paragraph with sex taken out of the equation.

See what I mean?

 

Okay, all of that aside: Again—Yes. "Fifty Shades of Grey" is an abusive relationship. But I hardly think anyone is glorifying it. From where I stand, both the author of the books and the producers of the movie deliberately portrayed Christian and Ana's relationship this way because it's an abusive relationship. Too many people overlook the idea of an abusive relationship as "not a thing", "she's too sensitive", "made-up", "pathetic", and the ever-encompassing "why doesn't she just leave?"

Disregarding the sexism infused with this topic, I need to clarify something before I go any further. The term "Abusive Relationship" applies to all types, not just physical. I deliberately have not been calling this relationship "emotionally abusive" because people need to understand that "abusive" covers all of it. And for the sake of this argument, I am accepting that the "physical abuse" in this story is an accepted part of BDSM—and I'm not touching that. Everyone has their kinks; go forth.

So, yes, Christian Grey is abusive. But so is Anastasia.

Christian's is more obvious:

"Christian meets Anna. He is immediately obsessed with her....He says that she must dress in clothes that he chooses. She must go to a doctor that he chooses, and take the contraceptive that he chooses. She must eat what he chooses. She’s not allowed to drink [in] excess. He tells her that it is her job to please him, and that if she doesn’t keep him happy to his exact specifications, it’s over....He dictates when they see each other, how affectionate they are with each other and who Anna is allowed to talk to and spend time with" (thegirlwhowaitedfordean).

All the basic makings of an abusive boyfriend. Okay, fine.

But Ana did it too. On more than one occasion she pushed him out of his comfort zone. Christian said straight from the get-go: "I don't do romance." And yet, somehow, the entirety of the movie is a romance between Christian and Ana. That is not due to Christian dominating Ana. That is him chasing her. (At the risk of causing an up-rise due to misunderstanding) Who is making him chase her? Her.

Ana's hardly doing it on purpose. Every girl in the world has had or will have some guy she's wary of hit on her. It's an unfortunate fact of life. And as much as it sickens me to think this way, that man isn't chasing her for the hell of it. There's always going to be something that appealed to him, something she may or may not have any control over.

Same thing with Ana and Christian. In both the books and the movie, we are introduced to Anastasia as an awkward girl who isn't great at keeping her head down. In an interview she was never supposed to have anything to do with, she surprises Grey on more than one occasion. That appeals to him. He says it. "I'm used to getting my way." But clearly, Ana doesn't give it to him—And yet he's still here.

She's manipulating him into wooing her, chasing her. She thinks he's hot—we all do. But she's not chasing him. In fact, other than the graduation ceremony, she walks out thinking she'd never see him again.

And then he's back.

And again.

And again.

And suddenly, they're together. Christian calls her his "girlfriend". He doesn't do girlfriends. We know that. He doesn't do romance. And yet, here he is. Calling her his girlfriend, taking photos with her, meeting her family, worrying about her well-being.

Ana is just as abusively-controlling as Christian is. She's just much more passive about it.

And the true beauty about this film is the whole BDSM portion is all a reflection of what is happening between them out of the bedroom. Christian is introducing Ana to the sexual world and Ana is showing Christian what it means to love. He says, "You're the one who's changing me." Ana may not see it, but we do. He is changing. He even tries to be good, by pushing her away. (I saw that, and I was like, "Yeah, sorry Christian. You're screwed. You already care about her.")

But he keeps coming back. "I am incapable of leaving you alone."

Congratulations, Anastasia. You have him emotionally tethered to you. The fact that he is so upset by all of this just proves my point. Ana is confused and Christian is scared.

But all this said, I still think opening yourself up to anyone, to any degree, is allowing yourself to be manipulated into changing. You may change because you want to, but you never would have changed at all if you hadn't met them.

                             — KGratiaM

==

This is a response to the review done by thegirlwhowaitedfordean.tumblr.com at the following link. Italicized quotes were copied directly from their post and are not my ideas. Other quotes, unless otherwise specified as mine, are taken from the movie. This is strictly my opinion.

http://www.mamamia.com.au/rogue/fifty-shades-of-grey-review-rosie-waterland/

Introductions

Hi, y'all.  Since I'm no good at just writing without knowing what I'm saying, I'll just get straight to it:

I have a lot of opinions and I love to write, so I figured why not start a blog? :) Then of course I was posed with the question: How do I start?

Well, I sat on that for a couple days, until tonight when I saw "Fifty Shades of Grey". (Great movie, by the way. If you're not too shy about that kind of thing, go see it. It's excellent.) Needless to say, as soon as I get back, I made a beeline for my copy of the Fifty Shades of Grey book that I'm still reading--oops, >-<U , #myb--only to get distracted by a post on Tumblr before I can pick it up.

I tried to read, but with the post brewing in my mind, I just couldn't let it go. So I wrote out some obnoxiously long reply that by the end of, I decided it wasn't okay to post it like that.

So I'm posting it here as my first blog post. \(^o^)/

I do apologize for those of you who are not "Fifty Shades of Grey" fans or who are just not comfortable with it at all. If me talking about it is going to upset you, don't read it. I promise it won't hurt my feelings. And I also promise that this blog won't usually be like this. I just had a big opinion about it and had to put it somewhere.

Anyway, thank you for welcoming this obnoxiously-opinionated girl aboard. I promise I'll post something real very soon. :)

                  -- KGratiaM