Nerd Camp 2015 - Day Ten

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Dear Diary,

 

Why am I always the one apologizing in my relationships?

 

The one with the girls, I get. That's been going on since January. I'll just have to wait and see how that one goes during this stupid OTH con next week.

 

But I've noticed it here too. With Zoe. Yesterday, Marianna asked me to do her hair for the day, and Zoe basically jumped down both our throats for me "encouraging her". I get that she wants to leave at a certain time, but Marianna still had time. I checked for that specific reason. But here comes Zoe, stomping in at 8:27am, claws out, ready to rip a new one--And somehow, I'm the one apologizing at breakfast.

 

I don't understand why she's so protective of her kids. I know that Marianna spends a lot of time with Priya and Indie (or with a couple other of mine). I know that she hangs out with me, but that's just because she knows Shannon. They have inside jokes that I relay to either side. And it's not like I hide them from Zoe. I let her in on the whole crocodile thing. It's not like I'm trying to steal her kids. I even mentioned it to Alex, and she's on my side.

 

I don't get it. I don't get the need to be so damn possessive. And I've noticed it before. When Zoe gets mad, she gets mad. Even little ticks and she's fuming. It's nuts. No wonder her kids come running to me. She scares the shit out of everybody. But it's not just with her. And it's not just with the girls. It's with everybody.

 

Skip Wells died.

 

He was shot in Chattanooga last week. Or two weeks ago. It was the day before I left. Everyone's taking it hard. I'm taking it hard. I can't help but remember the conversation we had when I was in Valdosta and I'm pretty sure he was completely drunk. I wish I still had it. It was on my old phone. The one I lost in Rome. But I can still feel him around. I miss him. Because I've been here these last weeks, I haven't really had time to mourn. I have moments like this where I remember and shut off. It's not what he would've wanted. But I'm not sure he would've wanted the big memorial service everyone did for him either.

 

I think that's why I like this book. One I picked up at Barnes&Noble the other day. It's about a girl who's father has PTSD and she's trying to navigate her grounded life for the first time. I've had no motivation to read for months. A lot of that had to do with the high school girls. My brain was too busy trying to protect me from them to translate the words on the pages. I couldn't write either. Not really. Though, I can't write now either. I blame the kids, but I don't think it's them at all.

 

I think it's Skip's death. And I hear the similarities between how I deal with it all and how the girl in the story deals. It's too alike. Then I remember Skip in my "The Girl With Wings" stories. And I wish I could've been talking to him recently. I wish I could've heard his take on what was happening with the high school girls. Somehow, I think he'd understand better than everyone else. But I also know that's the last of how he'd want me to be feeling right now.

 

I miss him. I can hear him in the back of my mind. I think that's why I'm fighting the apologies now. I noticed them before. And probably shouldn't have in front of Mom, but I can feel him still. Being at home is going to hurt. I know I'll only be back for a couple days before I have to leave for this con, but being at home is going to hurt. And being at this con is going to hurt.

 

I want to dye my hair.

 

Part of that, I'm sure, is the camp. These kids are so open about who they are and what they like. It makes me jealous. I was never that kid. I was always so self-conscious. I wouldn't even wear specific jewelry in fear of judgment. London made that better, but I reverted as soon as I was back. I texted Mary Hand earlier asking about what dyed hair would do for Rush. She said don't do it. Something in me doesn't care. I want to do it. I'm tired of being a chicken about it. Somewhere inside, I don't care what the sororities think.

 

I think that's Skip, too. Between my kids and Skip's death, I'm finding myself. But I can still hear my chicken-self inside. What if I damage my hair? What if they hate me? What if I regret sabotaging my chances? What if? I do that dance all the time. I do it for everything. Every outfit, every audition, every choice and decision and question. I like to cover my bases. I like to have all the information. That's why I texted Mary. And even though I stretched the truth about how the dye would get into place, I asked Mary what it would do to my chances of getting in a sorority. (It's not high.)

 

But I want to surprise her too. I want to walk into school with dip-dyed ends or streaks of purple or red and be new. I'm a theatre kid. I'm twenty. I'm losing my chance and I'm letting it be taken and I hate it. I want to do this right. I want to dye my hair. I want to be free. I want my life.

 

                                      -- KGratiaM

Nerd Camp 2015 - Day Seven

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Dear Diary,

 

One week down, one to go. That's mind-boggling. It feels like I've been here forever, but like that can't possibly add up to a week. This is going to be short, however, because I get to sleep in again tomorrow. (Which is fantastic.)

 

So, anyway, Madeline left earlier today. She has been saying that all week, but I'm still proud of her for sticking it out for the first half. Especially since it sounds like she might have Asperger's.

 

(OMG, sidebar: I found out a couple weeks ago that Raven has been diagnosed with the same thing. Which explains a lot, but still.) 

 

Also, Noa, now has some sort of hive-y rash / bites all over her skin. They started on her legs about two hours ago, and they've only spread. Bennett basically said to try to get her to sleep, but if she asks to go to the Emergency Room, we'll take her. Last time I heard, she's sleeping on the floor of her bathroom to keep the sheets from irritating her legs.

 

On a brighter note, we're going to Barnes&Noble tomorrow, and then the kids have Creative Group Time (CGT) tomorrow night. So, yay! Time away from the kids. I'm literally about to start snapping necks if we have another night like tonight with everyone talking over each other--and us--during the Trivia Crack game (which Alex corrupted me to this morning). We actually plan on doing a fandom version later in the week, but I'm seriously not kidding. If my kids get wild again, *whistles*. I actually had an RA Meeting with my kids tonight over it all. I'm not having my girls act out. I'm not. I'm a patient person, but when you push me over my line...

 

[Chel's "It's not gonna be good" gif, The Road to El Dorado.]  

 

But both Alex's kid, Parker, and my Kaitlyn Dubey have had panic attacks in the past week due to this kind of thing, so that's so not happening again.

 

But, on that joyful note, it's 1:00am. I'm going to bed.

 

                           -- KG

Nerd Camp - Day Two

Monday, July 20, 2015

Dear Diary,

 

Classes have begun! And the only reason I really know that is because there is this giant span of time (ironically nine to five) where all the RAs are off-duty. Seven hours without your kids and nothing to do—not cool.

 

Before I get to that, though, I love my kids! I love them. Especially Noa. She's absolutely adorable, and my most loyal duckling. I really need to get her a crown. But anyway, Madeline says she wants to leave Saturday, but I'm super proud of her for sticking it out until then in case it changes her mind (her words, not mine!). Especially after Lizzy went home on the first day without giving it a chance. If Madeline still wants to go home at the end of the week, then that's okay with me. And, last night, she—who is so, so shy—physically inserted herself into a big group with Zoe and I, and actually got into conversation with everyone. She actually had this zodiac / astrological characteristics book, and, although highly inappropriate for a thirteen-year-old, read out loud the "Taurus and Sex" section of her book. (Not the greatest of topics for doing it, but I'm proud of her anyway.)

 

There's two girls here, Priya and Indie—Geez, they get loud. Sometimes they're a little much, but most of the time, my relationship with them is rather smooth. Though, I do expect that energy had a lot to do with how my group got first in the team-soccer race we did yesterday. All the RAs swapped, so it was a shock to me. I was a super proud RA.

 

During our break yesterday, we watched "The Avengers: Age of Ultron", so Alex has officially corrupted me to both Avengers movies.

 

And OMG, Quicksilver. *gif*

 

Okay, so, I'd seen Quicksilver (Pietro) and Scarlet Witch (Wanda) on Tumblr enough times to know I would love them, especially him. But what I didn't know was that (SPOILER) Pietro dies! *gif*

 

Not okay! Literally, the only thing keeping me from jumping down Alex's throat for showing me that is (SPOILER) apparently, the actor has signed on for three more movies. I'm like, "There is no way he would sign on for three more movies—easily five more years—if they were just going to do flashbacks. He has to be alive." #PietroDenialSquad

 

So, as true to my obsession runs, I have dove into my reader-insert fics with Pietro Maximoff. And, as also true, I have created a whole new self-insert / OC for Pietro and that universe: Annie Romanoff. (Yes, she is Natasha's sister. #don't judge me)

 

I know eventually I'll get into where I'm actually shipping him, but until then, I'm just going to be enjoying my Annietro / Pannie. (Ugh, I hate when the girl's name is first, but "Pannie" is as bad as "Peeniss".) Romanoff, Maximoff — Yeah, that doesn't really work either... "Maxmanoff"? (I'll figure it out.)

 

(Can you tell this is a writing camp? #only us)

 

 Anyway, I'm going to bed. 6:30am is too frickin' earlier.

 

                -- KG